Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
