What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Randomize