So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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