I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
