god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
