I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
