I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize