dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
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