Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
