Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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