Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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