Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
