My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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