So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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