i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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