I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
