I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
