Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
