I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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