Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
