Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
