Tell her she can't have a vagina
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
