final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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