i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
she told me i tasted like america
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
