Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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