Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
