Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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