The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Randomize
