I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
