I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
