please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
