don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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