I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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