PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
