It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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