I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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