so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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