just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Please don't give away my fajitas
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
