Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
