Hey man sorry I got all grabby
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
