I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
