That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
