You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize