Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
the liver wants what the liver wants
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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