I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Randomize
