I accidentally burped into my bong.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
time to smoke my breakfast
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize