how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I think my moral compass just broke
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
