my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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