Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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