I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
