My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I have fence marks all over my body
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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