ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
