o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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