He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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