I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
