You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
