He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Green mimosas i think yes
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
