Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
