birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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