just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
