If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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