Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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